9:26 am

feeling much better now.
i've had my coffee all is well.
last night i felt like a super star!
i walked into that office reception
which turned out to be more of a party
than anything else with such confidence.
i smiled at the ladies i remembered,
grabbed myself a glass of wine and
there, across the room was paul.
oh paul! why did you cut off all your
hair?! he said its an experiment to see
if he'll be treated any differently.
paul is a huge environmentalist, he
kind of looks like a hippy in suit he
borrowed from someone years ago.
even without his beautiful long hair
he still amazes me. his passion for his
work makes me jealous. he questioned
me several times about how i can do
the work i'm doing. referring to the fact
that its mindless shit that anyone could do.
i didn't need the reminder that
i'm not on career path i thought i would be on.
he kept introducing me as a feminist who is kind to the earth.
(absolutely nothing wrong with that!) telling people that
i wrote my thesis on compulsory heterosexuality,
usually when people hear that they look at me like
"what the fuck did you just say?" but these sustainable
communities people were actually interested.
i didn't realize how starved i was for
engaging, evolving and stimulating
conversation until last night.
there's only snippets of that in my
life right now. there's only snippets
of people in my life right now!
phred and i haven't
had a real face to face conversation
all week, we've primarily been
communicating through emails
which hasn't been very successful.
he came home at 3:45 am
i remember that because he made
so much noise that he woke me
up. later when he slipped into
bed i didn't let on that i was
awake. suddenly i felt really sad, like i was
going to cry .we did talk
briefly yesterday on the phone,
just as i was about to accuse him
of taking advantage of me he started
to say how i was the best girlfriend ever.
that its amazing how i don't get mad at him for going
out so often. how cool i am for understanding. agh!
but when we spoke he said that we'll meet up at
home by 10 pm the latest.
apparently a game of RISK was more
important.
very RISKy phred.

araMat