11:16am

agh!
i think that i've returned to my
invisible state,
again for some reason when i pass
people in the hallway they seem to
be looking right through me, never
at me. same within the office.
the only conversation i've had
today has been with the bagel
lady again and that just consisted
of her asking if i wanted butter
or not..
i realize that i can be unapproachable
sometimes but i've been
making an effort to be more
open to those around me.
like yesterday when all i wanted
to do was to tell everyone
to fuck off i listened patiently
to stories about wedding dresses
and the intricate details of a
coworkers evening. blah blah blah....
i feel as if i get nothing back
or any sort of satisfaction from
these conservations.
it doesn't matter anyway, i'm
leaving here soon.
oh the joy of starting all over
some where else, yet another
opportunity to not quite fit in.
i happen to like to my quirk status
i don't feel inhibited by myself in
anyway nor would i want to be any
other way.

my mind is going
in several different directions
today, it doesn't seem to be
able to focus on work.
lately i've been able
conjure up vivid images
in my head. some i wish
wouldn't appear at all.
like last night when mum
called worried about dad
i pictured him slumped over
the steering wheel of his
truck, drunk and past out.
not a very nice way to see
your dad, which i have
unfortunately
and not just in my head...

other things i see,
sexy office boy
*sigh*

last night phred and i
rented No Mans Land,
i pictured myself
smashing the new television
into millions of tiny pieces,
i completely destroyed it
in my head.
i think i truly hate that
television.

why do i feel so
angry right now?
i feel like the
beta female wolf
i saw last night on pbs
her whole life she took
the submissive role until
she was shunned from her pack.
she came back, killed her sister
the alpha female and took
her place in the pack as
the dominant.
i don't feel submissive in anyway
just underestimated,
always underestimated.

aramat