9:12 pm

a wave of self pity has
come over me
not the most attractive
i'm sure.
with my red puffy eyes
and hurting heart
i just keep sitting here
night after night
beading, disguising
my loneliness as creativity.
when my mum
mentioned Christmas
i almost burst into tears,
well i did after i got off the
phone with her.
so far all i've done is
make gifts for my family.
i have no money or prospects
of getting any money before the holidays.
not wanting my family to know
how pathetic i'm feeling about
this situation i told them that
i'm not coming home till
christmas eve.
i figure a short holiday
at home will spare me
from some of the
questions about what's
going on in my life.
i even thought about
going to phreds parents
for a bit, its easier to lie
to people who aren't your
parents.
i have no problem lying,
actually i'm quite good at it,
i rationalize my lies as self
defense, a tempory defense
of sorts
from the harshness of my
own reality.
the reality that my boyfriend is
bored with me,
that i have no job,
and friends who seem
to be shutting me out.
now that Nev has a grrl
(who's just gonna hurt him
but that's another story)
i haven't seen him since my
last day at work about
3 weeks ago.
he called tonight to tell
me about the christmas
staff party tonight and
that i should come.
i don't think so.
sexy office boy
might be there
though.
*sigh*
i'm just a little
edgy tonight
everything seems
a bit overwhelming
and the fact that i
haven't been high in
2 days dosen't help!

enough! i feel better now
having read over my own
words and feelings.
i've had enough with the
self pity
now, i'm ready to suck
it up and be a big grrl.

aramaT