7:21 pm

it really is amazing how phred can make me feel.
all day i've been on the verge of tears afraid that at any
moment i was going to have a break down and just now
phred called on his break and my mood has lifted significantly.
i know this feeling is just temporary, i'll feel better when i see him
later but again it will be a fleeting feeling.
i've been having this internal struggle with myself debating about how to tell phred
what i've been going through lately. i need the best approach possible not the
one i've envisioned in my head, me sobbing trying to tell him that i'm
really OK but obviously not. i worry about his reaction to my depression which really shouldn't be my biggest concern i should be more concerned about
myself. i keep tricking myself into thinking that i am fine, its in these moments
right now that i want to believe that because i feel FINE. in the back of my head slowly coming forward are all the negative thoughts. like this one i had today... i actually thought if there weren't people in my life that loved and cared about me things would be easier. that i wouldn't have to worry about disappointing anyone if nobody cared.
makes sense? no? i've also found myself thinking lately when i'm driving what it would be like to keep driving, not stopping until i absolutely had to. i wonder how far i would get
before anyone was alerted. i remember when i was kid i had a friend who's father did just that. he apparently had a nervous breakdown and on his home from work one day he just kept driving. he stopped in nova scotia to say where he was and he didn't remember how he got there. i don't remember what ever happened, i just remember feeling awful for my friend. everybody knew and i could see the shame in her eyes. i feel ashamed. this isn't who i am. i've always had a moody side but i've always attributed that to my artistic nature. i feel like i've had two lives and i know where the first ended and the second began, when i raped. nothing has been the same ever since. i'm not the same, and i'm not fond of who i am right now. i'm not sure but i think i may reached the point of i better do something now or else... or else what, i'm exactly sure but i really don't want to find out. this place, this place i find myself in now is so very lonely and it gets worse everyday with sporadic breaks that do include hope, love and a future that i can see. then there are days like today. after dropping phred to work i came home, grabbed a comfy blanket and slept on the couch for hours. ignoring the phone or anything else that tried to interrupt my depression. how sad is that? its pathetic really. in an effort to feel normal later i'll drag myself to the Y before picking up phred. sweating makes me feel a bit better. tonight he's going over to nevilles house so i can continue my patheticness if need be. agh! i feel like hitting things all of a sudden really really hard.
instead i think i'll take a hot shower.
araMat