9:27 am

i just picked up a roll of film i had developed.
it was of Nicole's wedding. Johns little sister. there were
lots of pictures of him as well. i sat bawling my eyes out
in the parking lot. fuck i miss him...
for my birthday John's mom, my auntie J sent up a great
picture that they enlarged of John and i when were about
4 or 5 years old. he's hugging me. really sweet.
my 30th b-day was great. i thought of John all day.
i thought of the phone call i didn't get from him, teasing me
that i'm an old lady now! he would have said that too! we were always
teasing on another... and about hockey too! he definaltey would have callled
the other night to say how bad the Sens suck! i miss John so much. him dying
has made me think a lot about death and the afterlife. that is if there is such a thing?
anyway, i gotta run.
araMAT *loves John*

10:51 am

tomorrow is my birthday. my family is coming up.
i'm excited to see them but things here have been tense.
phred and i are walking through the motions of a relationship,
i love him so much but i'm not sure if we can repair the damage.
i hope we can.
i don't really feel like celebrating.
my job sucks but at least i have one.
i think of John everyday, he had just turned 30 less than a month before he
died. maybe i'lll die too. John was my other half when it came to cousins, we were both preparing for 30, he was first then me... right now he'd be teasing me about hockey and being old. i miss him so much..
tomorrow i'll drink for John.
i try hard to see him everyday, i feel him, but sometimes not enough. i get to sad.
i think i'll call in sick.

araMAT

7:46 am

my job was postponed again.
phred has asked me to move home at the end of
the month if i don't have a full time job.
i'm getting ready for an interview at 10 am, then at noon as well.
i'm still sad everyday for John, i cry when i see his picture. i cry when i
see someone who looks like him. i cry when i read about strangers dying
around the world. i cry when i think of my birthday coming up, how John
and i would be celebrating together. how he would tease me about being
old like him.... ahhh fuck! maybe i'lll die less than a month after my 30th birthday too.
but alas, only the good die young as our John just recently proved.

araMat

9:23 am

i start work on monday.
i have an interview for a better job on tuesday.
i saw a camaro this morning and immediately started crying for John, that was his favorite car.
i'm still crying a lot for him. for his wife and kids.
made out with my sexy friend last weekend, did lots of drugs
and got really drunk. it felt good to let it all go.
i'll be 30 in 16 days.
phred and i had sex in the bathroom this morning.
i miss my family.
i have a headache today.

araMAT