8:47 am

well its the last day of 2002 and i woke up to
phred yelling "fuck! fuck! fuck!" in the kitchen.
i forgot to put the coffee on last night.......
woops.
i got up and did it only to realize that the
right side of my nose was achy. i take a look in the
mirror and my nose ring was hanging out pressed into
the side of my nose.
its red and sore now.
good thing i don't have any plans i'd look like Rudolph tonight.
our tickets didn't get held for us so we are without a venue
to celebrate the new year.
fuck! fuck! fuck!
i wanted a nice day all i want to do now is scream and
start over!
i hate how the moods of your significant other
can filter through the atmosphere and strike you
down, or in the best case scenario lift you up.
this morning was definitely the later.

so i guess this will be my last entry of the year.
should i be reflecting on my accomplishments or
analyzing my defeats?
i'll just leave it at that.

i'm happy to back in ottawa,
i don't have my mother breathing down
my neck and i don't have to see my dad
pounding back the beers.
that was the most disappointing part of christmas.
i thought he was supposed to be cutting down on the
alcohol.
my little sista was my light as usual despite
her manic mood over the holiday. it was amazing
to spend so much time with her.

well i better start the laundry.

araMat

4:13 pm

next year i'm staying in ottawa
for christmas......

11:34 am

slept in!
meaghan should be calling soon
and i wanted to be gone as to avoid
her and her craziness.
i was at her house last night for a
couple of hours, the entire family which is
usually very cold towards her was actually
nice, her mother even offered me alcohol.
too bad i couldn't drink too much i was driving
last night. if i'm nicely buzzed around her all is well.

well our christmas fight was definatley a good one.
my sista and i finally made up and snuck out of the house
to smk butts. we did donuts in the parking lot down the
street till we were dizzy, we were really bored. i think
thats why the family got testy with each other.

well i really want to go to the mall, i know its
boxing day but i want to buy a tripod and
use some of my gift certificates at the
book store.

i miss my apartment.

araMat

5:30 pm

well santa was good to me
despite my attitude towards
christmas.....

i just came back from my aunts
house where all her children have
gathered with all their kids. its kind of
freaky, they were all sitting in front of the
TV watching the videos they got for christmas
eating hot dogs...
i met my newest cousin Brandon, he's absoluely
beautiful with huge plump cheeks that i must
of kissed a million times! god i love other peoples
kids.......

agh! mother is calling.....

araMat

2:35 am

well merry fucking christmas everyone!
so far since i've been home
they ( i mean my family, well my mother)
have
hasseled me about my nose
ring, the fact that she thinks i'm
too thin and aparently my
mother has been keeping it secerete
that i live with my bf! dam that catholic guilt
for ya........
speeling errors due to the many light beers
i've had tonight. everyone drinks light beer here,
whats up with that?!
its good to see them all
but i have to admit i am
plotting my escape as i
write this.
i love them
but i wanna get the hell out of here.

tonight had its moments,
like when i ripped my skirt
to expose that i wasn't wearing underwear,
yet another mommy pleasing moment.
everyone liked the fish nets though.......

araMat out.

2:41 pm

i'm on a quest for a party!
i need some interaction with people
besides my bf and i need it now!
all my boys are busy with their new
grrls, i have to say that i'm slightly
jealous. not of the grrls themselves
but now i'm not the primary
woman in their lives anymore!
i'm really happy for them especially
colin, he really needed some loving.

i had dream last night that
all the jewelry i've made for
christmas presents had been
destroyed. i was absolutely
livid in my dream trying to track
down who wrecked my stuff.
i was freaking out that i wouldn't
have enough time to fix everything
and phred was just dismissing me
and my concerns which really
pissed me off!
i have really weird dreams
sometimes.

K
time for a hot
shower.


araMat

8:21 pm

its so hot in my apartment!
i'm down to my underwear, i've
turned off all the radiators, opened
windows and still
its too hot. maybe i'm
having hot flashes at 28?
i doubt it.
finally feeling like myself
being sick was good
for being unreasonably
emotional and having
a valid
excuse. like when i
freaked out on
meaghan for drinking
my pamplemousse juice.

anyway phred is at work
all alone dodging the phone
and i REALLY don't want to
go HOMEfor
christMAS!!!

arAmat

3:13 pm

my friend meaghan is obsessed with
sharwma's. she just called to let me
know that the half dozen she brought
home from ottawa were great, and that
i'm to bring her another batch when i
come down for the holidays.
according to her ottawa has the best
sharwma's outside of saudi!

colin called me today which was a nice
surprise, he wanted gift suggestions for
the new woman in his life. he said she
was a "keeper."
now all my boys have grrls, that explains
why i haven't seen them in ages!
i'm so happy for them. these things
tend to happen at christmas.

phred is finally warming up to our
first christmas tree, he even made
an ornament for it. its full
of beads and butterflies,
very me i guess.
i still don't want to go home for
christmas, i haven't been hit by that
warm fuzzy holiday spirit.
i feel as if i'm coasting
on the outside of christmas
just ducking in when it suits me,
like getting the tree.

sexy office boy had a
christmas party on the
weekend, he posted some of the
pics from it.
so sexy!
i really wanted to go down
with my friends but i was feeling
just awful.
anyway off to the laundry!

aRamat

3:10 pm

finally i'm starting to feel better.
all weekend i was delusional with
fever and phlegm.
my grrls arrived friday afternoon
with a package from my mum
filled with vitamins and decongestants.
what a great mum i have!
i hope my friends had fun despite
me being sick, we didn't go out at all
except saturday we went to the market.
had a nice lunch and walked around
but the majority of the weekend was
spent in my apartment drinking beer.
the entire time phred was playing the
fender telecaster that Nash brought up
for him to try out.
he really liked that.
i'm feel like a nap now.

araMat * has a fever *

8:17 am

my eyes are burning
from lying awake for the
last 2 hours in bed.
phred just left for
french test. he's not feeling
so confident about the writing aspect
of the test, but i'm sure my boy will
do very well.
i miss being up so early,
i like the cbc early in the morning
my coffee and even the usual
sounds from Karen's apartment
upstairs is even some what
comforting. i feel as if
i should be dressing in a mad
rush for the office.
but i have to office to run off too.
ahg!
i also discovered that over night
two nice golf ball sized lumps have
appeared in my neck. my glands are
swollen, i can't stop sneezing either.
i hate being sick, or rather the onset of
sickness. must pump myself full
of vitamins, the grrls will be here
tomorrow.
off the couch for more coffee
and newspaper.

aRamat

9:12 pm

a wave of self pity has
come over me
not the most attractive
i'm sure.
with my red puffy eyes
and hurting heart
i just keep sitting here
night after night
beading, disguising
my loneliness as creativity.
when my mum
mentioned Christmas
i almost burst into tears,
well i did after i got off the
phone with her.
so far all i've done is
make gifts for my family.
i have no money or prospects
of getting any money before the holidays.
not wanting my family to know
how pathetic i'm feeling about
this situation i told them that
i'm not coming home till
christmas eve.
i figure a short holiday
at home will spare me
from some of the
questions about what's
going on in my life.
i even thought about
going to phreds parents
for a bit, its easier to lie
to people who aren't your
parents.
i have no problem lying,
actually i'm quite good at it,
i rationalize my lies as self
defense, a tempory defense
of sorts
from the harshness of my
own reality.
the reality that my boyfriend is
bored with me,
that i have no job,
and friends who seem
to be shutting me out.
now that Nev has a grrl
(who's just gonna hurt him
but that's another story)
i haven't seen him since my
last day at work about
3 weeks ago.
he called tonight to tell
me about the christmas
staff party tonight and
that i should come.
i don't think so.
sexy office boy
might be there
though.
*sigh*
i'm just a little
edgy tonight
everything seems
a bit overwhelming
and the fact that i
haven't been high in
2 days dosen't help!

enough! i feel better now
having read over my own
words and feelings.
i've had enough with the
self pity
now, i'm ready to suck
it up and be a big grrl.

aramaT

2:44 pm

last night when
phred and i were
fucking i felt that
he was somewhat disconnected
from what we were doing.
that he was just going through the
motions.
he always tells me how sexy he
thinks i am but last night
i didn't feel it from him.
i felt like i was just
a body that was there
and that's it.
at one point i looked
back and i swear he
was more engrossed
with the television than
me.
i didn't feel like confronting him
with how i felt afterwards
so i just closed my eyes
and went to sleep.
today phred went on and
on how great last night was
and was visibly upset that
i didn't reinforce his feelings
about it. he felt great he always
does its not that, he just wasn't
there with me in my excitement
it was like i was fucking someone
else mentally.
i don't know maybe he
was tired?
maybe he's bored with
me sexually.

araMat

:3:48 pm

i think i can see the sun
through the clouds today.
or i could be delusional?
maybe its a sleep deprived
feeling of euphoria i don't care,
i just hope its not fleeting.


aRamat

2:44 pm

again the sleeplessness
is making me mad.
mad not in the sense of anger but of
going mad.
when i did fall asleep i woke up
to poor phred tending to a
bloody nose. i punched him in my
sleep again.
bad dreams make me
do bad things.

aramat

2:57 pm


this morning i read a story in the newspaper
about a prostitute that was killed here years ago,
her murder is still unsolved.
her life was filled with such sorrow
and pain that i could barely finish
the article without bawling like a baby.
her name was Sophie Fillion, she was 23.

besides that my day has been just great.
phred coming down on me for various
things
the phone ringing with bad news
i just wanna go back to bed today and
start again.

just took funny pics of myself in my
darth maul underwear.

araMat

3:05 pm

insomnia continues.
i feel as if i've been walking around
only half aware of what's taking
place around me.
i was able to realize that
phred and i did indeed argue
and that it wasn't a dream i had.
i had no strength to fight back or to
defend myself from his words.
i just sat there.

so this morning my christmas
poinsettia was delivered from my
landlord half wilted and dying.
i hope that its not some sort of
warning for what's to come for the
rest of the holidays.

sexy office boy and i are chatting a bit
right now. even in my sleep deprived
state of confusion he gets me hot,
*sigh*
i hope to invite him over for a little visit
soon, its been 2 weeks since i've seen him.

i think its time for a drug induced nap
i found the neocitron, along with some
graval that should send me off to la la
land for awhile.

arAmat

1:48 am

at about 4am this morning
i heard a familiar wailing from outside
that i haven't heard since the summer.
the guy that screams like a pig
was stumbling around the parking lot
squealing. its horrendous.

i feel as if people are conspiring against
me.
i know that sounds paranoid but its like
everyone has got together on how to make
things more stressful for me!
like next weekend, i now have two guests coming.
meaghan called today saying she has the weekend
off and is coming up. she didn't call to say CAN she
come up for a visit, she called to again say
that i'm a
bad friend for not inviting her sooner.
oh please will someone else lay a guilt trip on me!!!!!!

that's the weekend sexy office boy is
having his christmas party.
*sigh*

araMat

2:44 pm

i feel like i'm waiting for the
other shoe to fall, as they say.
and when it does all the
caked on crap that's attached
to the bottom will fall and stink
up the place leaving a lingering
stank to remind me of the mess
i'm in.

i think my bout with insomnia
may be over, i went to bed around
1:30 this morning and didn't wake up
till 9 am. much better.

the unavoidable money talk
took place today.
dam i'm a lucky grrl.
phred and i had an
honest talk about the situation
but he didn't leave me feeling
guilty about it. i feel kind of useless
right now. i always take care of myself
financially. NEVER
have i ever depended
on a
boyfriend to support me.
the enduring cynic in me
always makes sure i have
enough money to at a moments
notice to
be able to take off
and support myself
if need be.
i've got to build my
safety back up.

aRamat

3:16 pm

i got out of bed this
morning after hours
of sleep deprived
thoughts &
i had sexy office boy's
name in my head.
*sigh*

i wrote a test today that if i
pass may qualify me for a
boring, inane government
office job.
phred just left for his, i guess
making $20 an hour
makes it better.

i absolutely have to get a job
ASAP. i want to avoid the money
argument that inevitably will pop
up soon. i've been successful so far
in diverting conversations or
avoiding them all together that may
lead down the path to money.
but the landlord called for the rent today,
its 3 days late, i'll take it down tomorrow
but my half maybe a little short.
oh well.

now that i'm home sexy office boy
and i have been flirting a bit electronically
again. it can't replace the excitement of
walking past him knowing that he's watching,
or pressing up against him the elevator.
*sigh* i miss the elevator rides!
besides missing the physical heat
that i still feel, after my last day at
work, well that last night out for drinks
the heat just increased for me.
the desire to have more of him,
not just the tease of a quick stolen
moment.
and his company, it was fun to run away
together at lunch, sit in a food court
full of people and see only each other.
telling him how i wanted him to fuck me.
*sigh*
enough! i'm still to tired to make
much sense. i'm fearful of
non coherent ramblings that will
make me look like a horny crazy
lady.

Aramat * is tired now*

12:06 pm

i've been up all night!
worst case of insomnia ever.