3:25 pm

well its now day four of the great antidepressant experiment and today i feel good.
i feel even but i doubt that its the drugs. yesterday was a real low point for me.
phred took me the passport office (i leave in 21 days!) where there was a longer line
than expected. that thwarted his plans so he got mad at me. in the car on the way home after apologizing i just lost it. at a red light i got out of the car balling my eyes out like a real crazy woman. when phred picked me up he really unleashed on me, i've never heard him so mad. so needless to say we didn't have a good night. after awhile we made up but i still bad about how i behaved. i just felt like running away, i didn't want to face him, i didn't want to be anywhere near him. i felt so misunderstood. i still do. he really seems to believe that i do things on purpose to hurt him. not any level is that true. i had no intentions of ruining his day off but somehow i did. i'm so sick and tired of saying sorry that i'm trying my best not to say it anymore.
araMAT

1:41 pm

so i'm into day 2 of the 14 day antidepressant experiment.
after 14 days i return to my doctor and she'll evaluate the situation from there.
my doctor was great, really easy to talk to and very understanding. phred on other hand had a different reaction. he's always supportive but he's also very anti pill. the first concern he raised was about if this drug would affect my libido which really disappointed me. right now my focus is on just feeling better.
araMAT

8:20 am

well after dropping really subtle hints to phred about feeling
depressed i finally said something outright in the car this morning.
i was extremely nonchalant but i'm sure he understood what i was saying.
sometimes i get like that, i can be really direct about certain things
but obviously not about this. phred is aware i'm sure that i haven't exactly been myself but then again i haven't been acting all that out of character in front of him. i always seem to be able to put on a happy face when he's around. anyway now i'm just worried that my doctor might not hear what i'm saying. i'm a little nervous but anxious at the same to time to finally do something about this.
i just want to feel better.


aramaT

1:05 pm

i called my doctor. i go see her on wednesday.
*SIGH*


araMAT

7:21 pm

it really is amazing how phred can make me feel.
all day i've been on the verge of tears afraid that at any
moment i was going to have a break down and just now
phred called on his break and my mood has lifted significantly.
i know this feeling is just temporary, i'll feel better when i see him
later but again it will be a fleeting feeling.
i've been having this internal struggle with myself debating about how to tell phred
what i've been going through lately. i need the best approach possible not the
one i've envisioned in my head, me sobbing trying to tell him that i'm
really OK but obviously not. i worry about his reaction to my depression which really shouldn't be my biggest concern i should be more concerned about
myself. i keep tricking myself into thinking that i am fine, its in these moments
right now that i want to believe that because i feel FINE. in the back of my head slowly coming forward are all the negative thoughts. like this one i had today... i actually thought if there weren't people in my life that loved and cared about me things would be easier. that i wouldn't have to worry about disappointing anyone if nobody cared.
makes sense? no? i've also found myself thinking lately when i'm driving what it would be like to keep driving, not stopping until i absolutely had to. i wonder how far i would get
before anyone was alerted. i remember when i was kid i had a friend who's father did just that. he apparently had a nervous breakdown and on his home from work one day he just kept driving. he stopped in nova scotia to say where he was and he didn't remember how he got there. i don't remember what ever happened, i just remember feeling awful for my friend. everybody knew and i could see the shame in her eyes. i feel ashamed. this isn't who i am. i've always had a moody side but i've always attributed that to my artistic nature. i feel like i've had two lives and i know where the first ended and the second began, when i raped. nothing has been the same ever since. i'm not the same, and i'm not fond of who i am right now. i'm not sure but i think i may reached the point of i better do something now or else... or else what, i'm exactly sure but i really don't want to find out. this place, this place i find myself in now is so very lonely and it gets worse everyday with sporadic breaks that do include hope, love and a future that i can see. then there are days like today. after dropping phred to work i came home, grabbed a comfy blanket and slept on the couch for hours. ignoring the phone or anything else that tried to interrupt my depression. how sad is that? its pathetic really. in an effort to feel normal later i'll drag myself to the Y before picking up phred. sweating makes me feel a bit better. tonight he's going over to nevilles house so i can continue my patheticness if need be. agh! i feel like hitting things all of a sudden really really hard.
instead i think i'll take a hot shower.
araMat

10:22 am

i've spent at least 2 hours this morning reading other peoples blogs possibly in an effort to avoid writing in mine...i've come across some really interesting ones and others are just in my opinion awful. especially ones spouting religious crap, buy hey that's just me...
i had a conversation last night with neville, he sounds just as low as i feel right now. he's contemplating breaking up with his lady who lives on the east coast. i say dump her and do it quickly because it will only get harder as more time passes by. she's a real sweet girl but it will never work.
so for that last two days i've been sick, i don't know what happened but one night after my work out i felt incredibly nauseous. i puked at the Y and then again in the parking lot. just nasty. during these two days phred has been really horny, sometimes he can be the best guy ever and other times just clueless... does it look like i want to suck your cock i just threw up you bastard! and on top of top of puking i messed up my birth control pills which really screws me up. i detest having to put hormones in my body.
well phred ended up getting really lucky, after i smoked the best medicine ever i gave him the best blow job ever. i hate feeling like i've placated him with sex, but that's what it feels like in this situation...
this weekend phred's parents are coming up. his father has been making us a bedroom set and now its completed! the design is just amazing, very european, sleek and sexy!
the strange part of the weekend is that his parents are going to stay with us! agh! we've never had any parents stay with us over night... we have two bedrooms we can accommodate them its just going to be different. usually they get a hotel room. what if i have to take a shit and one of them is the bathroom doing the same thing?! oh the horror!
well i better get phred up soon. this week he's working 1-9pm. he really hates this job and doesn't think he can stick it out a year for the possibility of a promotion. i say fuck it and get the hell out, find something else. that's the way i operate, not phred. he'll stay there till after christmas, maybe he'll leave earlier when CCRA calls him back. who knows?

aramaT *the bead queen*

11:03 am

still down.
can't get up.

Tomboy


What kind of little girl were YOU?
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i'm pretty bored.
i couldn't find a hole to hide in
so the internet will have to do.

2:03 pm

today is my little sisters birthday she's 24.
i was telling her probably for the millionth time that i
actually remember when we brought her home from
the hospital. i remember peeking over the back seat
of the car into this bundle of pink blankets and not
being able to see her. i was immediately afraid that
my parents had left her, that's probably the moment
i began my big sister over protective stance.
which still continues to this day. so there i was starting
to cry in the back seat of the car until my mum peeled
away the blankets to show me my little sista was just fine.
there was a lot a fuss about her birth because she came out
a "different way" from how my mum had earlier explained.
a last minute c section produced my sister. i thought that
was special for some reason. to say the least i think my sister
is VERY special, i'm so proud of her. she's intelligent, confident
and extremely talented. suddenly missing her very much *sigh*
tonight her friends are taking her to the White Stripes concert which
should be great, i hear they have some odd stage show...

today hasn't been a good day for me.
no real reason, it just hasn't been.
i feel like hiding.

araMat

8:36 am

what is it about a black light that makes people look
really sexy? we picked one up to set the mood for our
little party on the weekend and now i find myself turning it
on in the bedroom when things get going... i feel like i've been
insatiable lately, i can't get enough. i've been fantasizing about
S.O.B a lot, he's been in my dreams....
one of the reasons i haven't stayed in close contact with
is the plain fact that i know it would be really hard not to
want him. i've been flashing back to the night he gave it to me
from behind in the cramped bathroom stall. us standing there
holding our breath as people came in trying not to be discovered..
*SIGH*
OK
feeling distracted now.
araMAT

8:45 am

i'm not sure what's going in my head, chemically that is. last week i was
feeling like shit and this week not so bad. maybe its because the job search
is looking better? the sex party? i don't know what it is? i'm not complaining
it just makes me wonder... well i need to see my doctor soon anyway so i'll
bring this up when i see her. i'm not sure what her reaction will be but i'm
hoping she'll have some suggestions on how to maybe regulate my moods.
i'm open to taking drugs if she suggests that, i'm not sure what else she
suggest. the last time i saw therapist of sorts was about a year after i was raped.
a year to late now that i look back on it.... anyway!!
our "special friends" sent us an email saying they had a great time, i'm happy
to hear there doing well. this was the fourth time we've all been together and it keeps
getting hotter and hotter... i never would have imagined this being something i would be
comfortable with but i really am. i find it more of a turn on than anything else. i feel no
jealousy or worries at all. phred and i have talked about it from every angle so i think we were really prepared which helps if anything was to occur. the guys are the ones who have had issues, performance issues that is.... i guess having another man in the room can slow things down, but my grrl and i helped them out...) *SIGH*
now i'm all hot and bothered from thinking about it...where's a nice cock when you need one?

araMAT *the horny*

12:32 pm

mmmmmmwhatta weekend!
our "special friends" made it up and we all fucked liked crazy. it was
incredibly HOT.
we had a great dinner that phred prepared and watched the lunar eclipse on and off all night. i really enjoy celestial events like that.
as usual later in the evening i was the first to be naked which always makes phred laugh and of course my girlfriend was the next to be naked. we really showed the guys a great time.... i'm sure they are both still smiling,
i am!

AramaT

9:19 am

yesterday i was driving down the street when i saw a guy run
a red light and hit another car head on. apparently all the emergency
training i had as a life guard had been firmly cemented in my head because
i'm proud to say i was able to calmly react and offer assistance. the man was fine
just shaken, a store owner called 911 as i went to the other car. an older women
who was bleeding from her head had peed herself and was definitely going into shock.
i applied pressure to her head and tried to distract her by asking questions until the
paramedics came. the poor lady was worried that people would blame her because she was a senior.
after going to the Y i raced home to call my mum and finally freak out a little
when she told me some disturbing news about my dad. plain and simple he's a drunk
and won't get better until he wants to. i have no idea what i can do, i'm just sick of my dad putting my mum through all of this. i'm sick of what he's doing to himself.

i need some coffee!

aramaT

11:25 am

today i definitely feel as if i may be manic.
yesterday i felt sad and almost hopeless,
today i feel upbeat and inspired.. so either yesterday
was just a bad day for me or i could be manic? who knows?
these mood swings are something i will talk to my doctor about
though, i am now convinced that i should.
i am thoroughly sore today, last night after picking up phred
we went to the Y and i really pushed myself. maybe its the fact
that our "special friends" are coming on saturday that has
made me work harder or my own personal motivation to be
a hard body...lol i would like to look smokin for the cruise though
i have a wicked sexy bikini.
anyway
now its time to be a domestic goddess again and tackle the
laundry and groceries.
what fun.
araMAT

5:18 pm

falling into a pit of self loathing.
i'm sure its temporary but i'm not liking myself these
past couple of days.
feeling like a real loser.
my attempts so far of fighting off this depression have worked
only sporadically
today being one of the days its not working...
my prescription has been to work out like mad, make lots of jewelry
and look for work. the latter being the most important and the most
depressing at the same time. to be completely honest i don't ever
want to work in any office again. there is no scenario that i can think of that
i see myself working in an office and being happy. not jump up and down happy
but content at least. unfortunately to get to the place i want to be i need to
work for someone else.... i need money to fund my plans.
anyway
i better start scraping the ice off the car.

araMAt *is blue*

8:38 am

i woke up with the same ache in my chest, its been three days now i wish it would just go away..
well no sex party to report about my friend was on call and couldn't find an over night replacement. the good news is that this weekend they will be here!!
but for right now i'm just stewing about how sick and tired i am of picking up after phred every morning when i get up. the living room table is littered with crap and the sink is full of dishes! i hate being unemployed.....

arAmat