2:14 pm
avoiding work
i want nothing to do with for the rest of the day.
i'm being moved from my comfy cube to the central area fondly called the pit. absolute shit work is going to be..
i guess it won't be too bad as long i keep flirting with sexy office boy...
oh so yummy..
a little stressed suddenly about $ and the lack of it.
dam temp agency pimpin me out
like the whore that i am......lol

aramAt the disgruntled

11:39 am

damdamdam...
made a stupid mistake at work. i don't really care that much seeing how i've been laid off but the shitty part is i'll have to fix it. dam dam dam!!! maybe pity will be taken upon me and someone else will fix it? i don't see that happening, plus pity is over rated i end up feeling too much like a child anyway when some one feels sorry for me. too victim like, and that's a role i never want to play again....

mad flirting with sexy office boy. so much so that
i'm getting quite hot and bothered back here. good
thing cube mate isn't in today, i might just have to stick my hand down my pants and ..... ha! just kidding anyone that reads my blog will just have to imagine the rest...
that reminds me, i'm thinkin of adding a comment part to my blog. good or bad idea? let me know
djuna30@hotmail.com


araMat *currently filled with lust*

10:38am

filling my head with music
so loud i can't hear anything
around me not even the sound of my incessant typing.
i like this feeling. its almost like i'm hiding in plain view,
if i closed my eyes i think i'd disappear right into the beat...

*sexy office boy in sexy pants*

araMat the mind dancer

8:09 am

on friday night i actually experienced physiological
manifestations of stress. it was so awful that's all i will
write of the experience.

its september 30th and its the first day that i've actually
worn socks let alone shoes since the beginning of summer. not bad.

phred and i stayed up late last night, he finally gave me the attention that i was looking for....

oh! sexy office boy is here. i had dirty dreams
about him this morning. i think thats why i slept in so late... yummy ;)

i better get to work :(

aRamat the wicked

8:01 am
its funny how things change so
quickly from what you think is
your imminent reality to what
actually unfolds into that
imminent reality.
like last night for example.
sexy office boy and i
drank a beer together
in the park after work.
joked and teased each other
for bit then went our separate ways
concluding that if our significant
others were ever to break up with us
we'd have to hook up and have sex..
of course all this extra attention
from someone other than phred i
have to admit has felt really good.
its nice hearing that someone thinks
your attractive. i'm sure all my sexual
innuendo's and overt flirting help to promote that
attraction.
so back to reality.
last night phred and i were supposed to
spend the evening together seeing how
he's been running away from me lately.
that's how it feels anyway..
shortly after i got home we smoked
a dube and were starting to get really comfy on the
couch when the door bell rang, it was Mon. she
dropped Laz off and went to class. then Neville
called asking what was up for suRvivor. he came by
with a 12 of beer for dinner. so there went our
intimate dinner for two which quickly turned
into small dinner party including 2 dogs! it was
definitely a fun night, i'm not complaining about
having my friends over, its just funny how quickly
plans change. i think phred was disappointed for awhile
but once he lit the bbq and suRvivor started he as all good.
i drank lots of the beer, walked the dog and went to bed by
midnight totally forgetting to call my dad.
i just wanted to hear his voice.

Meaghan called last night and made me
feel like a horrible friend.
she's coming up next weekend, early
saturday morning is the plan. *sigh*
i can't afford more company!
oh well i love that bitch.

i walked to work this morning
feeling pretty good about myself. during my
morning mad rush of showering (with my new soap)
gulping back some coffee and trying to figure out what to wear on a whim i picked up my skinny jeans.
thank god when i put them on they felt amazing and better yet looked amazing, well according to phred anyway but he was half asleep.

8:46 am
sexy office boy just came to see me. he's hung
over and he smells really good.

arAmat *needs a hug*

10:31 am

i think i should some sort
of prize for getting in here on
time after a night out drinking.
8am baby i was here! not
feeling so hot but i will survive!

i ranted at phred this morning for
not being a good house boy.
no food in the house and the laundry is
pilling up and the place is a mess!
so basically i work all week
and get to do all that fun stuff on my
weekends.. since he's not working
he should be taking more responsibility
around the place. anyway
now i'm starting to feel a little
bad about it maybe i'll call him
but i'm sure he went back to bed...
well if he didn't stay out half the night..

OK - too much bitchin in here today.
suck it up!

*wants to get back to flirting
with sexy office boy*
araMat

12:02aam


spoke to my dad briefly....
told him that i loved him.

where the fuck if phred?????
i'm lonely and silly
musack loud.. dance dance shake you pants
com e on!


aramat the wasted

11:19pm

drunk
and the house is
fucking empty./............
where the hell is freddie?
baby come home..


i don't think he heard me.
fuck.

oh well someone come and feed me please.
or fuk me.
i need some lovin.
aramat the nectar goddessssss
(total inszide joke)ha!

1:30 pm

just got back from a goodbye lunch for a co worker.
sexy co worker came as well. he's wearing those
super funky cords that i love, i just wanna peel them right off him..
just now he sent me a message asking me about the sexual tension between us.
its hard to explain but i'm definitely attracted to him. besides the physical attraction he's a great guy too. his
girlfriend is a lucky a lady.i have a great boyfriend
but this has nothing to do with him.
its all about attraction and the things it
drives one to do, or in this case tease
and flirt relentlessly till i'm all hot and bothered.
well, i could write on and on about this and i will later.
i have lots to say.

aramAt *sighs*

9:21 am

oh sexy co worker..
tempting.. i just wanna...
*SIGH*

bastard cube mate looking
at my boobs and wearing
way too much cologne!

araMat the hungry (i want to eat him up)

7:59am

this morning during my
extra sleep time,
the time between from when i
hit the snooze alarm and when it
goes off again i had a strange dream.
i dreamt that i was sitting around a table
with people that i can't identify but i felt
comfortable with. suddenly the sky
filled with planes that began to drop
bombs. there were explosions and fire
everywhere. i stood up as did the others
around the table when we realized that this
was the end of the world, or at least our
lives. all i wanted to do was find my cell
phone to call my parents and sister to say
good bye. then the alarm went off again..

Phred was irritable this morning. i think it has
to do with the bachelor party.
i know it will turn out fine and i'm very
much looking forward to that weekend for
my own selfish reasons.
his mom is nuts if she thinks i'm
coming down there just for her pesto.
it is really good pesto but i'm not
spending the weekend with
his parents while he's in Niagara
Falls..

plus i'm a little more focused
on my family and our issues
right now. i'm seriously
worried about my dad. i had
a really long talk with my
mum last night. she's scared and upset
and told my dad that she won't
go through this again.
i'm not sure why he has
be so secretive?
mum
says that's apart of the disease
of alcoholism.
he begged her not to
tell us what's going on
but its too late as usual.
the other day i was talking
to juls and she told me how
she got off at the wrong subway
stop saw our dad's truck outside his
bar. she went in and there he
was pounding a few beers back
at 3 in the afternoon. what scares
me the most is that he has to drive
home. mum is convinced his
drinking during the commute in the
truck! she's found cans and bottles in
the garage. phred said it sounds
like my dad is a "old school" kind of
guy. the kind that has a beer in his
cooler for lunch, the kind of functioning alcoholic..
whatever kind he is, he said once he get back from
his hunting trip he's ready to make
some sort of change. whatever the hell
that means.
fuck! i remember when he went away when i
was in high school. i was angry and resentful
towards him, like he did this to hurt me.
what dumb naive thinking.. now that juls
and i are older i think this is something the
family can deal with. i just hate the
secretes.

aRamat the tense

3:46pm

i'm going to straight to hell
for the way i'm flirting
with another grrls boy
but i don't really care.
he's hot and sexy and
i want to touch him all over..
desire for something or
someone just happens
i can't control it but i can
control what i do..
most of the time anyway...

*sighs*

araMat the wicked

7:31 pm
just had a rather disturbing
conversation with my sista
while we were talking i was
watching the three raccoons.
i'm thinking of giving them
names..
anyway juls was telling me
some things about dad
that i wish wasn't going
on. i don't feel like
thinking about it right now
i'm sure i won't want
to think about tomorrow
either. maybe i should be
a bit more like dad and just
pretend that everything's just
OK.
* note sarcasm*

8:43am
not very excited about being at
work today. the actual
work is so mind numbing
but i've found creative ways
to pass the time....
i could think of a million other
things i'd rather be doing right now.
if it wasn't for the people in this
office i would have quit a long time
ago. which reminds me, no need to quit
i've been let go!
oh the horror of looking for a new job!
what would
be really nice would be a little hiatus from
work except for my art and beading.
some of the things i've made in the
last month have been so intricate and gorgeous
that i'm impressed with myself.

this blog entry sucks.
i feel a little sucky.
i'll be back later,
anticipating cube mate to
enter very soon...

aRamat the suck

what kind of junkie are you?

8:30 am

i made it to work for 8 am!!
i think i may still be drunk.
i'm feeling tired/silly/hungry.

i want to go to bed.
if cube mate doesn't show up
i'm getting under the desk today
and asking my friend to join me!

yep... still drunk.

aramat the drunk bitch

2:54am

just got home from my work night out.
spelling and gramatical errors don't
count tonight.
i drank lots of 50 straight from the
bottle.
yep, i'm one classy lady!
and i am!
i felt slightly out of place tonight.
i felt that burning glare from people
which i could care less about.
it was like they all knew i wasn't
wearing underwear....
its al good because, i'm great.
intelligent and lots of other
stuff that i can't think of right now...
i'm wasted.
who the fuck cares? i lost my job today!
i don't think its really sunk in yet.
i should be feeling like
shit when i get up in 31/2 hrs. from now!


oh well.

araMat the drunk

8:03am

had some mildly disturbing
dreams that i think may
have had something to do with
the flasher i encountered
on the street last night.
bastard...

i have a work thing to attended tonight
that i completely forgot about.
i may be going through some sort
of brain lapse. in that movie
with tom hanks an old movie,
Joe's Volcano or something like
that, the doctors told him he had
a brain cloud. that's what
happening to me.
things are slipping right out of my
mind with only remnants remaining.
like how my place is littered with
remnants of Monica and Laz.
i could make a little dog with
the amount of hair that beautiful
bitch shed all over the place!

i was thinking last night
that i've really neglected my journal
writing and not just this new found
undetermined online journal.
MY journal that's hidden in the
apartment wrapped in duct tape
as a protective seal so one can
easily invade it.
i was finally at a place where
everything, the good, the bad
the sexy and the fucked up
were flowing out of me with
complete honesty and brutal
truths.. one of my favorite kinds of truth..
brutal.
then phred read it and didn't like what
he saw, so i stopped. actually before i did that
i started to edit what i wrote which
tore at me with every sentence
i put on paper like someone
was actually ripping them out of me.
all written for the benefit of others
who may or may not have
invaded.

8:55am
just had a nice co worker
visit.
i touched his belly button. heh heh...

better get to work before i find
myself on some sort of tangent
about my journal writing, or the lack
of it.

i have more to write that i
must get out soon. cube mate has
arrived and his eagle eyes are
wandering...
later..

aRamat the confident

8:46 pm

just got home about 30mins ago
from picking up something to eat.
on the way home on my street
this man called out from across the street at me
i looked over and he showed me his PENIS!
what the fuck?!!
so many times living in ottawa have perverted men
exposed themselves to me.
the first time i was university and
went skating on the canal one night over to my
cousins house i hear someone so i
looked up and this man was jerking off.
another time i was walking down
gladstone and across the street from this
church i cut through a tiny park, this
asks for the time, i look over he's jerking off!
i've got more stories like it that's the sad thing!!
i've had some shitty happenings with fucked up
men in this town.

one good thing did happen so far
tonight.
mike C called!!
i miss him so much. he'll be in town
thanks giving with his girl, that's
not so far away.

i think its time to
roll a dube..

araMat the livid

12:46pm
oh that paranoid feeling is
coming over me again.
i think my sexy nose ring is
infected. ever since i snagged
it on the towel its been a bit
red, which is too be expected.
but now i'm thinking its not
healing properly.
i'm afraid the Dr. @ the walk in clinic
will laugh at me again if i go back.
it doesn't hurt, there's no green puss
or anything like that. just a little
crusty in the morning.
ahg! i love it and have no]
regrets, just the fact that i've
turned into freak about it
bothers me...
i just have too not think about it.
or touch it.
or look at it.

*its so cold in here
i think my tits are going to
fall off!*

araMat the bad

8:08 am
just settling into my cube
for what is sure to
be another exciting day... *sigh*

when i got home last night
phred was literally just starting
the car to leave, but i persuaded him
to come upstairs for awhile since we
had the place to ourselves....
not for long though. in the midst
of our lovely afternoon tryst the dam
fire alarm went off!
we weren't very concerned that there
was actually fire so kept doing what
we were doing, till the dog started
freaking out and we could hear
people in the hallway.
so with a quick finish
we dressed and got the hell out.
just in time to see the sexy
fire men show up with their
big hoses!

aRamat the i wanna be a sexual plaything

12:52pm
mother fucker!
fuck you!
sonofabitch asshole!
FUCK OFF!

12:43pm
starting to develop a real
dislike for my new cube mate.
i hate that i'm feeling like
this towards someone i barely
know but he grates on nerves
and stares at my lovely boobs!
as i write this he's sitting in his chair on the phone facing me eyes straining for my screen.
i turn with the look of,
"yes can i help you with something" all over my face.

(i've got the pixies blaring in my ears, love em....)

so hungry. went and bought a veggie pita, it as absolutely horrid. i had one bite that i could
barely swallow.
so i'm still hungry.
and horny
and happy
and cold

Aramat the anxious

7:57am
went home hot and bothered last night.
i spent the better part of yesterday
msning somewhat inappropriate messages.
maybe not the best idea
for the office, but a hell of a lot of fun!
something kind of takes hold of me
when we electronically communicate
its just so easy to let it all out.
i walked home feeling very
sexy but when i got there and realized
i had no outlet for my pent up sexual
energy, i decided on a whim to head
to the studio.
adult advanced modern class
i can barely walk without pain today..
it was worth it. i completely over did it
but i can't hold back, kind of like
all of yesterday..

still feeling a little wound up...

besides being achy dance class
does make me feel amazing.
everything from the smell of the studio,
to the great sense it gives me of my body.
dance is a great way to feel sexy.
i was good, i was impressed with myself. its been awhile but i think the amazing percussionist had something to do with it.

i dreamt about eyes last night.
dark eyes.

araMat the lustful

7:59am
just got to work.
its quiet enough still to hear
the whirling of the air conditioner
kicking in.
feeling very poetic today and
slightly dramatic. i think
i'm looking for grand gestures
and overt tactics today for
amusement and will settle for
no less!
i feel that over the weekend i've
had to hold back so many times from
saying what's on my mind, not out of fear of
offending but from keeping from debate. i didn't
feel like defending myself or my reasoning.
i think i'm holding up well with my truths and
expelling them as they come, but of course keeping
some good ones to my self for my own enjoyment,
or keeping them from those who would be overly critical.
as i welcome constructive criticism i try to stay away from those who begin sentences with,
"you know what you should do?"
i think its all in the
way they phrase that sentence that makes it sound
pretentious.
like they know What i should do.

i had a good weekend with Mon and Laz.
Laz is a great bitch, we took long walks and i could care less that she's shedding all over my apartment.

spent saturday with my two boys downtown where
i felt like the luckiest grrl around.
i went slightly crazy at Sassy bead co. i'm so close to finishing my bag its absolutely amazing!
at our little party friday night lots of people checked
out my new work and i heard some favorable
reviews. like they would be critical to my face about it..
but none the less is was cool to hear that people like what i've spent the last few months working on.

well i can hear more people slowly trickling in this
chilly monday morning,
i should get to work and put my head phones before cube mate shows up...

aRamat the excitable

2:28pm
feels good to out of that drugged up stupor!
my head is finally starting to clear and its left me
in a very flirtaous mood!
might not be the best idea to be flirtin at work but its
all good..

Aramat the flirt

6pm
just waking up from a heavily sedated
slumber.
i had the strangest dreams. in one of them
i was on a roller coaster that had no safety bars,
and everyone was sitting one in front of the other
in a single line.
i was holding on to the legs of the man behind me
thinking that we were all going fall and die on this ride.
as we started to move backwards i closed my eyes and
could feel myself slowly being maneuvered upside down. and
with a huge release the roller coaster flew forward
and upside down again. the entire time with my eyes closed
i was waiting to
fall, listening to people scream and yell,
but they were all having a
good time and i was terrified.
i wonder what that means?
i had dreams about people i work with,
in one of them i was in an never ending meeting
and nev was constantly talking about a database
that had to be religiously maintained or something
awful would happen, he couldn't tell us what so no one
wanted to do it. nev became enraged with us all for not taking
him seriously.
the rest of them got kind of dirty, which was nice to wake up
with sex on the brain, even it feels like its about to break through
my skull.
i remember phred came in the room once to bring me
some water and more zomig, be put blankets over the window
to block more of the light out. he took such good care of me.
its a good thing he left a note, i don't remember him leaving.
he left me 20 bucks and packed pipe for me.. what a guy!
i wish he would have stayed home though.

well i think i'm going to get something to eat
and go back to bed. no matter how my head feels
tomorrow i've to get to work.

aramAt the cold

9:07pm
feeling abandoned and burdened with all
this shit that's going on.

feeling like a fool again.

aramAt the angry

2:17pm

uhhhh... one of those day's that just won't end.
not an especially bad or good day, kind of balanced somewhere not so close to the middle.
i guess that's me today, a little off balance but getting along just fine.

except for my poor uterus, its screaming.

aramat the wanting

hey been trying to meet you
hey must be a devil between us or whores
in my head whores at my door whores in my
bed but hey here have you been if you go i will surely die we're chained
uh said the man to the lady uh said the lady to the man she adored
and the whores like a choir go uh
all night and mary ain't you tired of this uh,
is the sound that the mother makes when the baby breaks
we're chained


* just heard it again,
for the last three days i've heard this song three seperate times.
it always comes in three's..
maybe someone put a spell on me?

11:12pm
i'm now a pathetic half drunk that can't type
or cook myself dinner.
feeling an indescribable,
feeling of
lonely/sad/bored/hyper/horny/wicked/
dirty/mad grrl
kind of like my old self, badgirl.liar
who wrote wicked poetry and had illicit affairs.

i miss her sometimes.

araMat

a little bit tipsy just got home i'm naked and wet, its pouring rain!
i love it! I wish i could stand naked outside in the down pour !!!!
but i can't.. and i'm lonely for some attention..


i need some lovin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

araMat the hungry

today is my monday. i took yesterday off kind of as a mental health day
but i did have a kick ass migraine that kept me up all sunday night till about 6:30 am
when i called in sick. i don't really remember what i said in my message i hope i was somewhat coherent...
that's what that Imitrex does to me, i forget things and feel really high..

my east coast office friend came to welcome me back as soon as i got into my little cube,
what a sweetie. i have no idea what she said to me for half the conversation but a real sweetie...



the temp office called yesterday when i was finally suffiiecently sedated to say that they haven't received my time sheet
and i've missed the cut off day for direct deposit.
that absolutely fucks us up.
Phred still isn't working i'm paying for everything and starting to get resentful
which i'm trying to keep in check.
once his dam EI kicks in all will be well $ wise
but otherwise is an other story..
i don't mind being poor with Phred, there's no one else i'd rather struggle through life
with but when he doesn't try that's when i get frustrated.

i think he might be bored..

i just want to write here all day.
i really do feel a big purging coming on.
i've got let it out, i think its giving me a
headache holding back so much.
i'm not used to this
much restraint ..
especially in a journal. or whatever it is i want..
or feel i want..

this could be the place to unload it all without the
fear and hesitation of being it being read by unwanted readers.
only those i tell about this page
will know, and i haven't told a soul.
i know you can't completely posses something but
having something that is just mine
is a good feeling, a safe feeling.
i'd like to be truthful, i want to be truthful.
mostly to myself then it will be easier to do so
with others. not that i lie or deceive
its all how i'm perceived..
and that's based on what i show, or don't show.
i feel like i manipulate my own personality way to much, or comprise it..
its like personality prostitution.

10am still haven't done much work. i think i'm going to take my film in and get a coffee..

aramat the tired

ahhh..i feel so tired and look like shit today. i'm hoping all of this is still my dream and i'm really sleeping.
starting out this nightmare i was making coffee and rubbed my eyes, they started to immediately burn like
they were being pulled out. i guess i touched something that still had hot pepper on it from our dinner last night.
ouch! so that really alerted me to the fact that i was no longer sleeping, that and the car that nearly took me out
on the way here. man i can really swear! i think i made this guy on his bike blush..
i also had dreams about melanie.
i hate when i dream about her. it just doesn't leave a nice feeling in me afterwards, like when she was my roommate, especially at the end of it all. i have no idea why i would be dreaming about someone i have no contact with and that i haven't seen in years. ?

oww... our hot and spicy dinner is still lingering in my eyes. phred cooked which was great and stayed home with me last night, the first night all week which was much appreciated..... ;)
i don't think he's coming dancing with me tonight though, i'll work on nev at lunch today.
speaking of nev he calls me last night and left a very serious sounding message to call him later, that he needed to speak to me.
now that we work together that kind of stuff freaks me out. when i got a hold of him he asked me out to lunch today!
he said he feels like we don't get to talk enough and thought it would be nice to spend sometime together with his friend!
i love when my boys surprise me like that. a little reminder of why i love them so much!
i felt all fuzzy after that.
phred thinks he'll forget and dice role on me.
he thought he was just calling last night looking to pick up.
thanks phred.

anyway i'm tired and i need some more sleep.
i need to speak to my sista who i haven't talked to in about a week!
she was playin all too cool for skool and hanging out with her new boy in Kingston but according to my mum is back in TO and went to class.


FOund out my aunty P is here for a visit.
My mum said to prepare myself, her MS has progressed and she needs a lot of help now.
i could hear how upset my mum was telling me on the phone, fuck this is her little sister it must be terrible for all of them.
well when i get home i'll smk her a huge dube and we'll have a nice chat.

i've been here an hour and done absolutely nothing but write this blog and respond to emails. where the hell is my cube mate?
i hope he quit.
i'm such a bitch..

well this bitch is looking forward to going out tonight even if i have to solicit a date from work. i'm gonna get all sassy pants and dance dance dance!
although yesterday online 2 little boys from xvi asked me out - so cute.

ah! he's here.
later.

arAmat the ?

talking about bad luck with clothing since i started working here...
the hem of my dress is coming out.. bah!ahhh!!!!!!!!!
can't staple this back together, i actually like this dress. i need fabric glue!


the new guys is looking at my boobs right now...

AramAt, trying to remain optimistic

this is starting out to be a stellar day :(
i woke up alone, my boy spent the night on the couch again after another night out, i think i heard him come in around 3am or so.
i was up late listening to the drunk retch in the alley behind the apartment. what a beautiful sound to fall asleep to.....
at least i had interesting dreams and i can thank a co worker for that. yesterday he was telling me his dream about a ménage a trois he had with his girlfriend and another women. i had a similar dream and i can't believe what a slut i was in it! holy porn star!
anywAY,
yesterday my new cube mate wouldn't leave his seat for the longest time which was a huge inconvenience to me. the strap of my bra busted leaving me lop sided until he finally left and i stapled myself back in. on the walk home the dam staples were scratching me leaving a nice red mark. the whole way home i was trying to limit my upper body movements not wanting it to bust it again. i need a new bra! i've had such bad luck with clothing since i've started working here, ripping my skirt on the way here, forgetting underwear things like that.
i'm still not sure what to make of this online journal. i'm holding things back.
i'm almost finished my beaded bag, maybe another week or so of work. i wish i could stay home and do that all day.

OK i'm determined to make today a great day some how.

aRamat the optimist ?

when i got home today my boy took off on me within the hour,
not good. ...
just smk'd a nice dube so i'm feeling a bit better about the situation..
i keep expecting monica to jump out of no where at me so i think she must be close... just a
feeling. i just hope its later i'm tired and want to take a nap now.

i wish my mum was here to cook me dinner.


aramaT the hungry

i wish i had written sooner but i haven't had any time to myself all weekend. now that i've waited the moment has kind of passed, i was really anxious to record certain events that occurred over the weekend but they are now just imprinted in my mind and i don't think they will ever make it to paper or to this blog. i'm hoping i'll have some time later to release this new found self that emerged over the weekend but i was just reminded that co op library boy is starting today. i'm sure my boss may be hovering around too much...

until later,
araMat the brave