1:10 pm

i am a domestic goddess!!!
i can't stop cleaning the apartment
today. its not such a bad thing
i had enough newspaper to recycle
to make an entire new forest.
i'm worried if i stop for too long
i'l be able to hear crap music from
downstairs to clearly.
so badly i want to go down there
and tell them to shut up.
poor phred needs his sleep.
he's working extra hours for the
rest of the week. i feel so bad.
that must be why i've turned into
the reluctant domestic goddess?
i'm not contributing much financially
so i'm compensating with cleaning and
blow jobs.
hmmmm...

araMat

11:36 am

i feel like i'm on the verge of
tears.
i'll just blame it on pms.
which is probably why i'm
also so horny. with phred
working these awful hours
we hardly see each other
let alone fuck each other....

yesterday i had an interview with
a reputable company that i was
refereed to from an old coworker.
i sat down with the guy he looks at my
resume and ask about my degree.
"what did women's studies teach you,
how to shop?"
i wanted to call him an ignorant bastard
but instead i just explained what the
program was all about. for the rest of the
interview he stared at my boobs.
i though i was going to pass out from the
massive amounts of cologne this guy
had on, he just reeked of asshole...

i had a dream about a friend being stuck in
a petting zoo last night. he couldn't leave until
he had petted all the animals.....strange..


araMat

8:47 am

i have an interview at 11:30 am today and
i have absolutely no expectations about this
position. i guess i'll have to wait and see.


i'm a little down lately. i've been putting out
such a huge a effort in my job search and not
getting much back. i'm tired of these shitty
temp positions.
i'm just tired in general.

araMat

8:58 am

the weekend of discontent..
family fights
boyfriend fights
i cried
i yelled
i wanna run away

araMat

11:04 am

at 6am the phone starts ringing
and million things start running through
my head as i dash for the phone.
like something's happened to my family.......
it was the superintendent calling to say there's
something on my balcony making lots of noise!
i can hear it right now, its just the raccoon that lives
in the over hang. he scared me.
anyway i had a horrible sleep after that.
now i'm sure they'll come and lay traps to
capture the poor thing. every winter we have
guests up there, i find all the shit in the spring.

i went to pick up phred for 2am this morning,
on the way home he shamefully admitted to wanting
to stop at McDonalds for something to eat. he hasn't eaten
there in years! nothing else is open at 2am so whatever...
i think he feels sick about it. i haven't eaten there in over
13 years now. i haven't had meat for over 13 years now
i didn't realize its been that long.
its also been about a week since i've seen any action.
i'm hot and bothered. with phred working this strange hours
everything is fucked except me!
anYway
lots to do today.

araMat

12:00 am
i waited in line for over an hour today to hand in forms to the
government for a position i applied for months ago.
at least 300 hundred people were there and i was
stuck next to this lady who wouldn't shut up about
what a waste of time this was. blah blah blah.... on and on
she went complaining about how she had to be somewhere else.
fuck this! and fuck that! was coming out her mouth...
i'm not sure why i let this bother me so much but i all i wanted to do was
smack her fat face shut. i turned to her and said i would be happy to
hand in her forms if she had to be somewhere else. looking at me
very strangely she ask why and at the risk of being attacked by
this obnoxious stranger i told her the truth. that i'd hand them in so i wouldn't have to listen to her anymore.
she just stared at me so i turned
around half expecting to feel her hand across the back of my head.
she just looked liked one of those ladies, a scrappy tough worn out
40 something that smokes too much and blames everyone else for her
troubles. yeah i'm generalizing but who the fuck cares?

agh! what to do till its time to pick up phred?! he gets off
work at 2am. i'm all beaded out for the night
its too late to call friends now,
i feel like yelling really loud till someone
comes to investigate...
hmmm that would be bad i guess...
i'd smk another dube but getting high alone
too much makes me feel like i'm self medicating......

arAmat

11:11 am

everyone is mad at me!
so i'd like to take this opportunity to
say FUCK OFF to all those who are
trying to trap me in their expectations.
everyone but phred.
i know he's stressed about me not working full time
yet but he has been incredibly supportive.
today i'm to go fill out some forms with the gov
for a job that i applied for in December.
that's good news according to phred. i still
have no clue how these government depts work...
anyway
besides having those closet to me mad at me
i'm surprisingly OK with that. i could care less if they want
to waste their time with anger directed at me.
as soon as things go well for me on the art front
my sister and friends get resentful. its about time
my hard work started to pay off.... but that's another
story for another time.

araMat * the hungry*

10:47 am

i don't feel much like writing today.
not yet anyway...
my phred worked his first awful shift till 2am this
morning, i barely remember him taking me to bed.
he had sent me emails from work that were very
sweet. almost over done with emotion. i took them
to be sincere but apart of me was caught off guard at
his tone and choice of words.
i spent the night meticulously beading
more denim arm cuffs. i have so many now!
i still need more if i plan on attending any craft
sales. i need funding to really get going.

phred has come up with an idea to get me out
of debt that kind of frightens me.
he has money, lots of it too. his parents made
investments for all of them as kids and phred's now is
very sizable. his proposal is that he pays my debt in
full and i repay him. then according to him i wouldn't
have any trouble getting a small business loan
to start my endeavors. i have severe reservations about this.
it would be great to get those student loan bitches off my
back but i worry if it would change the dynamics of our relationship.
i only recently found out that phred had money independently from his
parents. when we bought the car from his mom that's when i found out.
maybe i have no reason to worry but my instinct tells me not to
take the money.
anyway i should get back to the hunt........

araMat

10:44 am

what a let down this weekend was.
even without those cookie cutter expectations
for valentines day i guess i still had some buried
deep down inside me. so needless to say when phred
lay down for nap friday night i knew we weren't going to do
anything at all. i thought at least he'd make me dinner...
the entire weekend i remained "fine" with the fact that
phred just wanted to play PS2 and relax. seeing how frigid
cold it was we didn't go skating....AGAIN.
before phred went to work friday morning i gave him
a card that i painted for him, he bought me a bounty
chocolate bar and a diet coke. whata guy!

phred's sleeping right now. he works 6 pm to 2 am this week.
awful shift but he gets compensated for it.

arAmat

7:30 am

cold valentines day.
kind of like the mood phred is in this morning.
he's going skiing tonight so its a good thing
i don't have any silly expectations for a
romantic night........

NeV came over last night for surViVor.
fuck i hate TV.
i really really do. a show called HOt or Not came on
afterwards and it would just take too much effort
that i won't waste on such stupidity to express
my utter disappointment in humanity after seeing some
of it. the guys laughed but agreed how awful it was.

so in the spring i'm going to rent a table
at a craft show to sell my jewelry. i got all the info
yesterday and need to reserve my space soon.
i better get busy. i need supplies so badly. i'm
really impressed with my resourcefulness as an
artist but its difficult at times.
anywaY

love
to all the
lovers.

arAmat

xxoo S.O.B
*sigh*

7:19 am

its a wonderful -25 outside today and as i drove
phred to work we counted 4 people skating on the canal.
i'm sure they are plenty more out there that we couldn't see
and a couple of guys jogging, now those are tough Canadians!

my dad finally called ME last night.
for the first bit we just talked shit about
nothing then he said he appreciated my email
but everything has been blown out of proportion
and i shouldn't worry. DENIAL......
its what i expected.

i beaded for a solid 6 hours last night. my hands
are sore today but i produced 3 more denim beaded
arm cuffs and started another embroidered bag.
quickly running out of beads! if
i didn't already have
debt i'd apply for a small business loan,buy materials
and launch AramatDesings.
one day.

last night i know i dreamt about sexy office boy.
i don't know exactly what occurred in my dream but
his girl friend was in it too. when she spoke she had
and accent, English or british i think... she's gorgeous.

yesterday phred and i went to run errands after i picked him
up. first we went to the bank to deposit his cheques. he had 3 of
them. the first two were for strange amounts like $33.52
his bilingual bonus and the third was his 2 weeks pay.
so phred is putting them in envelops and i'm reaching through
the window to deposit them in the drive through bank.
well i guess when i entered the last check i forgot to add
and addition 1 to the amount. so instead of putting in
thousand and change i put in an hundred. when phred saw the statement as i
was driving away he starts yelling, "YOU MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!!! PULL OVER!!!!!!"
and he punched the dash board
leaving a nice dent.
after he stormed away into the bank to resolve my mistake
all i wanted to do was drive away and leave him there stranded.
he apologized for reacting so poorly when he returned.

i think i need a nap.

araMat

9 am
right now phred is taking his oral french test,
i'm sure he's doing well. we had such a hard time
finding the building that he was almost late.
as we drove around the block i could see him
getting tense. phred is never late. not ever. he's
very proud of his punctuality.

this morning on the news i heard this week referred to
as "valentines week" when did it become an entire week?
so for the entire week women can put unrealistic romantic
expectations onto their the significant others
and then they can be bitter and resentful when they don't
live up to them..........what fun.

later,
aRamat

7:32 am

just discovered the coffee i made is shit.
what a disappointment.. like my weekend.
my parents avoid me so i wasn't able to make
plans to travel home. i still think the family
needs to confront my dad and soon.
friday at 4 pm i got the phone call i had been
waiting for since monday. i didn't get the job.
honestly i was a bit shocked. never in my life have
i had so many interviews and NOT got the job.
i'm amazing in interviews.
as soon as i got off the phone i was breathing an internal
sigh of relief and let phred comfort me. i didn't confide in him
that i really didn't want it. i know i didn't project that in the interview
i was the perfect suck up in an understated way of course......
so i spent the rest of the weekend sewing and beading
listening to phred play his PS2. i went skating on the
canal yesterday, this morning when i got out of bed i found my
legs to be incredibly stiff. ouch!
besides that it was a quiet weekend.
too bad my sweet Grandma couldn't say the same thing.
she found a lady dead in her apartment. this is the second
time she's found a dead person. this time apparently it really
upset her, this woman was only in her 60's she died of a heart
attack. when my grandma found her she was lying on the
kitchen floor and her little dog was weeping next to her.
so sad.


arAmat

7:34 am

i can't communicate my feelings yet today
i've been staring at the screen unable to
articulate anything. beginning sentences then
deleting them.
one good things is that Nash is back from
Bosnia safe and sound. she sent pictures which are
just amazing. even though they depict homes being
burnt out and ruined the surrounding landscape looks
like it was once beautiful.

araMat

7:34 am

i spoke to my mum last night, it was about
7 pm and my dad still wasn't home yet.
that's an indicator that he's drunk somewhere so i
called him on his cell phone. he really didn't want to
talk to me and once i heard his voice i didn't really
want to talk to him. it wasn't really him it was drunk dad.
juls thinks he's using drugs again but i can't see how he can
afford that habit. but then again i'm 4 hours away and had
no idea he was this bad off again.
he keeps insisting that this is between him and mum,
that she's blowing things out of proportion or just trying to
slander him. which is just wrong, even when they were separated
my mum never said bad things about him.
i don't know what to do, i feel so helpless to do anything for him.
i've written him, left him messages he won't talk to me at all about
this or julia.
i'm very worried.

arAmat

1:23 pm

i just spoke to my sister.
apparently she and i are the only ones
who are clearly seeing this situation with my dad.
my mum is in denial.
my dad is slowly killing himself with drugs and alcohol
and he won't acknowlege it.
he keeps saying its between him and our mother.

aramat

7:26 am

*sigh*
i want sexy office boy so bad.
i want him to walk through the door
to me, i'm waiting for him.
warm and naked under my blankets.
i want to feel his skin next to mine
i want to feel his hands explore every inch of me
i want us to hide under the dark morning sky together
until the last possible moment locked in
savage embrace until the sun appears.
without words our exchange would be instinctual
i could almost cry out at how close he feels.
*sigh*
sexy office boy....

araMat *lusting*

7:20 am

my family has ignored most of the weekend
causing me to panic at moments.
i know they were moving my sister into her new
apartment. i spoke with her yesterday, she said
saturday everyone acted as if nothing was wrong.
she thinks it because her friends were around, most
likely. but i specifically told my mother to call me when she
got home. i even wrote an email to my dad about how much
i love no matter what. no response.
this can't be ignored, dad's going to court soon
apparently, that's another secrete i'm not supposed to
know about.

my interview is at 10 am
with the co owner of the company.
part of me is afraid that i'll get this
job and be stuck in a career path that
i care nothing about. the other part of me
is afraid that i won't get the job and i'll
have to resort to being to a crack whore...lol
good to know i have options..


araMat

11:40 am

well its official my dad is now lousy drunk.
he's a shit load of trouble.
i got sporadic phone calls last night with sketchy details.
my sister told me he said he's leaving our mother.
i just got him on his cell phone and was able to tell him
that i love him no matter what. i said i was worried about him
he just kept saying OK,. OK. OK.
he's furious with my mother apparently because my sister and i know
what's going on.
right now my parents are helping my sister
move so going home would be pointless
but next weekend i'm going.

i wasn't able to cry about this last night
but as soon as i heard his voice today i started to
crack.
i'm so afraid of what he might do.

araMat * loves her daddy*