3:04 pm

that bottle of wine
went down really well
last night i think i'll do that again
tonight.
what a sad reminder that i need
more/new friends
but do i?
i can entertain myself,
i enjoy my own company
i'm very independent
fiercely, i defend it.
i'm determined to have my
life, my independent self.
(someone once tried to
take that away from me,
never again!)
sexy office boy brought up something
interesting today, about unconditional attraction
with one's partner. he said even when he's
upset with his grrl he's still very much
attracted to her.
i understand that, i'm still very much attracted to
phred even though i'm kind of pissed at him
right now but i'm sure i won't be
expressing that attraction towards him
not tonight any way. his way of resolving
issues lately is to run away.
what about unconditional love? is there such a
thing? i'm not sure if i can trust anything that's
unconditional.
what a cynic i am, or just jaded maybe.....
i just finished saying above how
dam self sufficient i am
and how i really don't need
to have someone with
me all the time
but the truth is that i
am kind of lonely sometimes.
at times i feel like
i'm in this relationship alone.
when he needs picking up or an ego
boost i'm always there,
and happy to make my boy
feel better.
i definitely get the short end of
that stick, seeing how he accused me
of being needy yesterday when i wanted to
resolve our fight.
it was awful, he really was a
full blown two faced gemini
yesterday...

besides the relationship
feelings of loneliness
i don't have that one
friend i can call up
who's guaranteed to join me.
i have troubles making friends with
the ladies,i should say i have
trouble keeping long term girlfriends.
i've got plenty of boys
but i feel i'm not on the same page
with them right now.
phred has them now.

agh!
one hour left, then
i'm off to buy candy for
the chillin
and wine for me!

that's it for now.
i have more thoughts on
unconditional love/ attraction
but its getting me kind of angry.



happy halloween bitches!


araMat

oh i forgot to write that
all these little kiddes in my office better beware!
i'm working on a spell tonight
that will hopefully leave them speechless.
literally!

aramat *is a good witch*

what shit afternoon.
phred and i fought via email.
he can be so cruel and mean.
he made me feel so awful
i don't even want to write about it now.

sexy office boy saw me crying,
he asked if there was anything he could do.
so sweet.

*sigh*

aramat *has red eyes*

What Element Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

10:09 am
unfortunately i'm still feeling some residual affects of my bad man dream.
i hate these feelings and the place it takes me back too.
my avoidance technique has proven not to be the most
effective but still the best option for me right now.
i'm feeling my bad girl liar self on the cusp
of emerging and i don't like it. i don't like feeling bitter and angry
so i'm doing my best to suppress those emotions right now and just
get through today.
i feel like screaming !!!!!!!!
i feel like running away!!!
i feel like hitting something till i destroy it completely..


aramat the angry

8:02 am
its so quite here right now i can hear the air being pushed through the vents.
i wish it would remain like this all day.
i had an odd night. my head started to hurt as soon as i walked
in the door so i rolled up a big dube and took a little nap. i woke up
feeling much better but a little lonely. during my nap my mum called,
we usually talk often during the week and its been a couple of days since
we've reached each other. her message was cute,
" hi tam its mummy! we keep missing each other so i'll call you
tomorrow i'm just on my way out to auntie J's for the night. love you!"
that made me feel slightly better.

*sexy office boy arrives*

i should try and get to work earlier, maybe aim for 7:30 am, i get the most work done when no one is constantly walking back and forth behind me with the beeping of the door going constantly.
that's a great idea and all but i really don't see it happening. today i saw on the news that there was traffic on the bridge so i walked in. phred didn't seem to notice that i didn't wake him, he just rolled around and moaned when i said good bye. i think he might be pissed that i smacked him in the face last night. again i fell asleep on the couch when he woke me i was having my bad man dream and i hit phred in the face. i feel bad about it, all i remember really are his glasses and how they flew across the room. then i was completely awake and aware of what i did, also of how my hand hurt! shit, i whacked him good...

boss is here.


Aramat *in red*

2:00 pm
just a couple of more hours and i'm free for the day! and apparently tonight as well....
phred is helping colin move into his new place and from the sounds of it he won't be home till late.
mon and connie invited me to see punch drunk love with them, but i don't feel like being in the company of the ladies tonight..
phred sent me an email complaining about how the rental company came and woke him up to show the unit, it was after 12:30 so i have little sympathy.
i'm keeping my fingers crossed that the stove/oven will be fixed when i get home but i highly doubt it, when i spoke to phred he hadn't even called.
dam! i'm sounding like a huge bitch!
i'm also keeping my fingers crossed that when sexy office boy
and i get in the elevator it will get stuck for awhile...........
*sigh*
araMat *has hard nipples*

9:11 am
feels like a blah kind of day so far.
i woke up to the obnoxious sounds of the construction outside my apartment at around 6 am.its good thing actually i woke up on the couch. usually if i fall asleep out there i wake up during the night or phred comes to take me to bed. when he got up he said that i refused to go with him last night to the bedroom. i have no memory of any of this. he said he came home around 2am and i was sleeping on the couch, he tried to take me to bed and i yelled at him to leave me alone....

i spent my night beading and drawing naked ladies in my sparkle note book.
i felt kind of angry last night, every time the phone rang i ignored it, pissed off that some was disturbing my artistic flow finally i just turned off the ringer.

i want to turn everything off around me.


aramaT *wants a smk*

3:12 pm
just an hour left in this
oh so boring day.
the best part so far has
been sexy office boy's tongue.
*sigh*

i'm anxious to get home and continue on my beaded bag, its turning out gorgeous!
i'm hoping soon once i get some equipment i'll have my web page up so everyone can see my beaded dreams!
right now the way to contact my little bizness is aramatdesigns@hotmail.com

dam phred! hasn't called the super, our stove broke last night again for the millionth time this year! right as i was about to put dinner in smoke came out the back and the element went cold.
another good meal ruined by district realty...

desperately searching for that door into a parallel universe where i can run away with sexy office boy- just for awhile!

aRamat

writing in my blog has become a challenge.
at work with my back to all the office traffic i have to switch back and forth between screens so it appears i'm working. which i am but 5 mins here and there to record my random thoughts is not only necessary for my mental health but probably makes me a better worker. at home i have limited time since i want to keep this blog to myself, not that i'm actively hiding it from phred or anyone for that matter i just like having something that is mine and mine alone. with no need to explain or rationalize my motives or ideas to anyone. now that would be authentic living wouldn't it? not ever having to rationalize or explain to anyone! i long/strive for that and my own personal truths so that i may never have to or feel the need to explain myself to others. wishful thinking? perhaps...
this morning is going by excruciatingly slow.

arAmat *needs stimuli*

ARIES (March 21-April 19): I predict that your dreams will soon have potent effects on your waking life; they'll help transform conditions that had previously been resistant to change. Maybe you'll dream of being able to ripen green apples just by gazing upon them, for instance, and then find you have a comparable power to expedite evolution in the daytime. Or perhaps you'll dream of time-travelling back to ancient Rome and leading an uprising that frees thousands of slaves, and then later that morning figure out how to liberate yourself from an all-too-real oppression. And who knows what fun will ensue, Aries, after you dream of doing what you were forbidden or too inhibited to do when you were in high school?

*freaky!*
Rob Brezsny
Free Will Astorology
www.freewillastrology.com

8:51 am
agh! already the dam beeping of the door is on my nerves. east coast woman asking if i found a new job yet, her naiveté is her excuse for lack of tact so i don't hold it against her, but some mornings i just want to tell her to go away. its not even 9 am and i want to run away from here, and of course grab sexy office boy on the way!
i really am in the wrong place. i shouldn't be here at all. i am happy that circumstance has brought me here i've had many pleasant surprises working for the government most of them i could have done without. but i guess you can't pick and choose your destiny if that's what you subscribe too. at times i'm torn between that i control everything in my life or that i'm just fulfilling a predetermined destiny.... and if it is predetermined, who determined it?
agh! oh i'm not awake enough to engage in a weak philosophical debate...

aRamat *hallucinates*

8:17 am

this morning the street construction blocked me in for 10 mins!
that's why i'm 17mins late for work today, no worries though i'm
always here before my bosses...
last night i had some quality alone time with
myself i've been looking forward to some quiet.
i feel like our place has been the center of lots of
activity lately so when i only had company for a couple
of hours last night i took advantage of having the place to myself!
i finished one necklace and sewed the lining in my beaded bag.
i've got to finish the next one by november 13. ahg!


mmmmmmmmsexy office boy just came in looking delicious as usual....
*sigh*

strange dreams with a return of the jed-i kind of feel, very futuristic...

arAmat

1:19 pm
feeling especially naughty today
*sigh*
after work yesterday sexy office boy and i
kissed under a bridge.
just thinking about it now has given me shivers!
that's what i find to be one of the most fascinating things about this is its the absolute physical reaction i have even from just a kiss! but it was more than just a kiss, a second longer kissing and i would have taken him deep into the woods!
i had dreams about that, about him pulling up my skirt and taking me from behind........
dam!
enough of that or i'll never get back to work.


arAmat

my street is under heavy construction, last night trying to navigate my way through it i stopped for awhile to watch my favorite piece of heavy equipment that i call the penetrator. its huge steel shaft repeativily pulses into the ground until the entire body of the machine actually lifts up , then it repositions its self and begins this penetrative motion over and over again until its hole is dug. this description is has obvious sexual connotations and i make no attempt to veil that but i'm sure to any other observer these thoughts would cross their minds as well. i have a fascination with big machines i think there must be a certain satisfaction in seeing the results of being able to manipulate such huge pieces of steel and metal. last night when it was dark i went for a walk to get a closer look at this gaping hole in the middle of the street. i was tempted for a moment to hop over the orange fence and climb down the ladder that the workers left into this hole that gushed a steady stream of water that disappears into another. its kind of like a rocky ripped open womb exposed in the middle of the street.

*dam coworkers circling! end of blog for now*

araMat *lusting the devil*

Sonnet XLVIII

Two happy lovers make one bread,
a single moon drop in the grass.
Walking, they cast two shadows that flow together;
waking, they leave one sun empty in their bed.

Of all the possible truths, they chose the day;
they held it, not with ropes but with an aroma.
They did not shred the peace; they did not shatter words;
their happiness is a transparent tower.

The air and wine accompany the lovers.
The night delights them with its joyous petals.
They have a right to all the carnations.

Two happy lovers, without an ending, with no death,
they are born, they die, many times while they live:
they have the eternal life of the Natural.

Pablo Neruda

*this is the poem i read at the wedding last week*

2:49 pm

today i find myself just lost.
lost in my own mind and sexy office
boys eyes
the way he looked at me today from across
the table at lunch just sent me into a free fall
of the senses
he excites me without touching me
just his looks and words have induced
reactions that i never expected.
*sigh*
Aramat

'Your hands are not your own, neither your breasts, nor, above all, is any orifice of your body, which we are at liberty to explore and into which we may, whenever we so please, introduce ourselves... The whip will only be applied between the hours of sundown and dawn.'

The Story of O

pauline reage


something about that book, it revolted me and turned me on at the
same time.
i find the idea of giving up power or being powerless
both frightening and erotic.
how wondrous sexual dichotomy can be,
the virgin or the whore? who shall i be today?

aramaT

8:52 am

tired and a bit cranky.
since phred and i have been back from the wedding he's been really short tempered with me. last night i felt like i was having conversations with myself. its like he's shutting me out.
the wedding was beautiful. i was successful in navigating around in stiletto heels for the entire night! when phred saw me in my dress he said that later i had to take everything off but the shoes, unfortunately there was none of that during the weekend seeing how our "deluxe" cabin turned out to be the rustic version. we shared it with his younger brother and his girlfriend who we graciously gave the bedroom too and we suffered on the pull out couch. the one good thing about it was that every night, actually more like early morning when it was time to pass out i left the window open so when i awoke the first thing i saw was the water. we were right on the lake, absolutely beautiful.
phred made up lyrics to the Grateful Dead, friend of the devil which marco sang as their speech. it was amazing, his parents had no idea that he could play guitar that well he really surprised them.

while i was away i have to admit that sexy office boy often was on my mind. he slips in and out leaving me giddy with my own dirty day dreams about him..... *sigh*
yesterday we kissed in the elevator,
i felt this tongue flicker inside my mouth
tease my lips with its soft caresses
*SIGH*
i want him.
i want him just like he's written me in the notes we exchange and every other way possible.
i've never felt this consumed by an instant attraction towards anyone before. often i'll find other people attractive but sexy office boy completely disarms me, i can barely sit still around him but somehow find the confidence to tell him everything, well almost everything i'd like to do with him, do to him ect.....
*sigh*

aRamat *anxiously awaits the devil*

You Are A Manic Kisser!

just a few more thoughts on
sexy office boy and this
crazy situation..
i really hope that he doesn't feel
guilt or any other associated emotions
due to our aggressive behavior towards one another.
i make no apologies for where this may lead
or carry any guilt for lusting him..
instead i'm embracing it and letting it
take me further.

1:42 pm

sexy office boy is gone for the afternoon,
i miss his energy all ready!
today
our lips touched
ever so
lightly
slightly
tongue grazed
man i'm crazed!

i've never felt heat like this before.

last night people from work went out for drinks
i made sure i was sitting next to sexy office boy.
we held hands and caressed legs to the point
where i was wet for him.
fuck!
after sexy office boy left
it was just brian and i drinking and
smokin butts. all was well until he
started to put the moves on me.
holding my hand, telling me that i'm
beautiful and that if i didn't have a boyfriend
he would have asked me out by now.
in the cab his hands reached for me
and played with my hair. i tried not to make things awkward but when he dropped me off and planted one right on my lips that's when i set him more than straight. i very disappointed to say the least. we had such a nice work relationship,
i really enjoyed his company and now i feel like
all he wanted was in my pants.phred thinks i'm
completely naive to think that any guy would just want to be my friend.
fuck phred!
i refuse to be that cynical.

agh! so tired i wanna go home and sleep,
i wanna dream of sexy office boy
doing all those things to me that he's written
in the little crumpled notes that we've exchanged.
mmmmmmmmmmmmm

so much to do tomorrow before we leave for the
wedding! i need a hair cut and i wanna exchange my shoes for another pair.
super sexy! black leather with a wide cuff around the ankle.....

i guess i should get back to work,
but all i can think about is sexy office boy
sayin he wants to go down on me.........
*SIGH*

arAmat *is on fire*

3:51 PM

just for a few moments
i stood in front of him
and we exchanged knowing
looks
in complete agreement
without saying a word..
this heat is building
and bubbling with every
touch
side way glance
and secrete elevator
ride
rushed lunches
filled with dirty talk
that leave me feverish
with anticipation
for the real thing,
the deeper touches
the ones that linger
and
play
finding all the right places
over
and
over
again!

*exchanging little notes on crumpled pieces of
paper, must transfer them in here! his heated words
the way his mouth looks i just want all of him!*

aramaT *has wet pants*

1:33 pm

dam.
sexy office boy
got me hot bothered during lunch
and on our walk back to work.
telling me how he'd like to be
in between my legs...mmmmm
he got me so hot that
i'm completely ready to go!
we had the elevator to ourselves,
the ride spent pressed up against each other with our hands
running over each other
face to face the entire time but i had to look away,
those eyes!
i was so close to leaning in
on those lips
those lips!
would have been
heaven on my lips...

heaven on my lips.
i like that, i think i'll write a poem about that.


i should try and work
i could dwell on sexy office boy for awhile.....
i'd like that!

araMat the shameless

8:50 am
i busted my blog some how and
i need the help of
sexy office boy to fix it.
i swear i didn't mess it up on purpose!
much to write
lots to confess
things to purge
say and tell..
soon.


araMat *oshawa super model*

"For you and for me the highest moment, the keenest joy, is not when our minds dominate but when we lose our minds..." Feb. 1932 from Henry and June Anais Nin


loosing my mind
resigning myself to desire happily
with no fight of will or conscience.

9:02 am

just a few quick moments of
talk with sexy office boy and my
heart is going a mile a minute,
its those eyes!
i dreamt about those eyes!
its like they see way too
deeply but understand
what i'm feeling.
its almost like torture,
hidden quick touches
that almost sear and the
anticipation of finding an elevator
alone so we can caresses each
other for a few flights is madding!
but everyday i look forward to that
torture again.

unbeknownst to phred the origin of my pent up sexual frustration
he was the lucky recipient of that energy last night
much to his delight i might add.
he's such a great boy that phred :)

K,
lots of peoples coming around now.
later.
aRamat *needs another coffee*

8:15am
*this just came from Tim, actually that's when he was Jack and I was Amaranta*

What a mood it is...
thinking of it all.
are there the right words?
close proximity? lightning bolt wrapped in the heart's desire come true..?
for me, being with you compels words that may fall flat from a fear,

that you are more than my poetry.

But if true, my expression will soar and sear...
will honor and praise... will talk in terms of clear sight and fullness
those words seem used, lack completing the essence .
to say that i have loved the spirit i see within you means that i have been
blessed a thousand times, to be able to see it... to be able to call to you...
all my beautiful life, by some eternal grace i have known spirits like yours...

now questioning your frame of mind....
i hope you are softly swaying.

could one moment equal as much touching?
could it equal as much center-speak?
Mere hours at dawn, after the days and nights.
with each step,
whether a moment of conversation stretched to know more,
or along a solitary carpeted corridor where i watched you walk dripping with the
limber limbs of a lioness,
i tried to look away, was ready to, the moment you wanted...
with every lingering taste, like a moth to the bulb of hope, i was drawn
i am so happy i followed Henry's spirit, followed the searchers,
followed first touches,
followed you.
with each instant of looking to you, a new warmth
fueled with the thrill of questions, truth filled answers...
to the moment of glowing disrobing
you shone, wrapped in an artist's perfect light.
to kiss every place at once, i burned, you were a messenger, an answer.

i had watched and thought you a sensual dream
i had been so closed to the possible,
that your nakedness took my breath away.
at that moment,
my intuitions of a kiss were less then the quickest glimpse of mysterious eyes.
my suggestive soul-swing on a pulsing dance-floor were stuttered steps.
you became the literal of my thousand year vision,
no matter the result of my attempt to touch,
it could only have been an expression of deference and thankfulness

11:25 am


my uterus is screaming!!!


can't quite make out what its saying!
but it won't fucking shut up.
ohhhhhhhh hormonal flux
one moment i'm holding
back from grabbing sexy office boy
and the next i'm holding back from
telling all these fucking yahoo's to shut
the fuck up.
they stop right in from of this dam pit and
have conversations. i work here butt nuts
keep it movin..............


araMat * feeling much better thanks*

9:36 am

listening to sexy
office boys CD.
such a wicked voice
its hard to work though
with all the thoughts its
evoking.

last night
sexy office boy was in my bed.
well not literally but it was
so real. it felt real like his arms
were around me like he was lying
naked in bed with me.
i was so convinced that it was him
that when i turned to look he was
all i could see.
after a moment and i was able to
focus a bit better i could see my
darling phred with the funny fake
tattoo on his arm and that
cut on his chin.
i'm being bad lately
at not being completely honest in my blogs
not that i'm telling lies i'm just choosing to leave things out
under the pretense that i haven't had enough private time to write.
i've always strived to be truthful in my journals and not censor myself especially now that i have a forum of anonymity i have no excuse i have no repercussions to fear.
i should be embracing this opportunity to purge myself of my experiences and feelings.

*still listening to sexy office boys cd, fuck i
just want to walk over there and grab him!*

see that was good! i wrote what i was feeling!

now if i can just continue that all will be well
in my head.

well now its no excuse i gotta go
the pit is full now and people i don't know keep coming in here to ask me questions that don't apply to me.
i don't like the pit!
i feel like i'm being watched.
its like the movie clock watchers, put all the temp workers in one area where they can monitored.

aRamat *shines*

8:25am

i haven't written in so long and so much has happened over the weekend
i don't know where to start!
the best place is i guess is when sexy office boy had his hands on my boobs again yesterday in the elevator.
we were standing so close it was hard not to touch him,
mostly i felt like i wanted to touch his face as different as that may sound.
but too soon the elevator doors opened and we left smiling.

my beautiful sista was here till sunday morning.
julia
my sweet soul sista
ocean child,woman.
pure beauty and brilliance
eyes glowing with animated potential.
sista who's heart so giving it swallow's me
whole. holding me
in her unconditional love
she reminds me of that child she once was
with red curls and dimpled
cheeks even then my sweet
soul sista was guiding me.
sista, beauty so natural
her nonchalant attitude
sharp, cool, light in the air
her confident stride
my sista walks untouched by mediocrity.
only and always to SHINE
my sweet soul sista

i wrote that years ago.

meaghan was here as well till monday morning.
she's insane and not always in a good way.
when she gets on something she just won't let it go and doesn't
always like the result from her prodding but she brought it on.
(insert story here that i can't get into now)

its tuesday 8:45 am and i already want to molest sexy office boy!
i think its because i look like a tart in this great t-shirt phred got me in niagara falls.
bachelor party went well, lots of naked ladies and porn apparently!

araMat *in the pink*

9:13 pm

fuck.
drinking vodka by myself........
is that bad?
can't be.
it feels good.
not as good as when
sexy office boy put his
hands on my boobs today,
but i feel good.
*sigh* (insert here lusty thoughts)
i'm buzzed and ready to go out
but my sister won't be here till 11pm or so,
MonStar in the country, Neville is going to a lame party
and phred is gone. he said he'd call when he got home but i've
yet to hear from him.

i was able to coax bRian and nEv in for
a few beers after work,
which was interesting to say the least........

starting to feel antsy! i want company NOW!

aramat
*the wannabe social queen*

11:28am

i can't believe this much
time has already passed today!
i'm sitting center pit now with my
music nice and loud so i can't hear anything. its a great escape.
i'm currently planning my great
escape but those details are top secrete for now.

its so much harder to write here at work now that my back is the office.
worst of all sexy office boy and i
have been cut off our msning!
hopefully that's just a temporary..

araMat

5:35pm

thank god for after work dubies....
i got home to find that i've been abandoned
and the place a mess.
phred did leave note saying that tomorrow
we'll have a dinner date. sorry guy i've got plans.
for the last month i've gone out most every wednesday
with brian after work for drinks and i'm not about to
stop now. he's leaving soon so i'd like to spend the
time with him while he's still around. maybe
i can lure sexy office boy out...
he and i exchanged our woes today.(sexy office boy)
speaking out loud about the different dynamics
of our relationships set off an alarm in my head.
to hear myself actually say that at times i wish i was single
made me really think about the idea of compromise in a relationship
and to what extent do you actually do so ? compromise.
and too what extent? i feel i've given a lot up for the sake of
us lately and i'm happy to do so but i feel that i've haven't
received the support that i've needed. one huge blaring example
is that he's gone out most every night. i really like time myself
and i think its great that we don't have to spend every single waking
hour together but every night?
dam! i just stopped and read what i had written above and now
i've lost the entire momentum i had going on that thought....
*aramat is high*

interesting day. i now sit in the pit.
i was there maybe on and off for an hour & half
today and it was absolute shit. i feel angry about it
and stupid for feeling angry about it. wasted energy
so i must resign myself to the fact that my job
now is starting tosuck . if it wasn't for sexy office boy
today would have been dismal at best.
we had lunch together
drank a couple of beers
together and i baked in
sun it felt wonderful!

OK that's it !

arAmat *just discovered raccoon poo on the balcony*

11:55 am

why is it today that everyone is coming down on me?
did they all get together and decide that today was the day put undue pressure onto aRamat?
i'm running away for lunch with sexy office boy so that will be good. something i want to do without being accused of being selfish. no significant other here to let down...
week be done!
i think a spell of some sort is in order...

araMat *is a witch*

8:01 am

well my last ditch effort to stay
in my cozy little cube has failed miserably.
and the worst thing about it is that one of my
best friends is responsible for this, its his job i realize
but this job just royally screwed me, you'd think they just leave me be. soon none of us will be here anyway. fuck.
it was so hard to get up this morning and come here for this bullshit now i'll be sitting in a place called the pit listening to the entire office enter and exit with a delightful little beep every time...
thank god for sexy office boy....mmmmmm yummy
sexy office boy...
i slapped his ass in the elevator last night. i really wanted to push him up against the wall and ravaged him for the short ride down... but i was a good grrl and just touched his bum *sigh*

araMat